Let's go >11:18PM

Notes

Games

August 20, 2025

12:52AM
Gonna play Nocturne until I'm sleepy.
Playing Nocturne revitalized me earlier.
I actually want to live.
College, with no Reason.

There's really only two paths for me:
1) God
2) My own path

When I put it that way, it's obvious where I'm forced to go, no?
But you can't force it. I want to like doing what I do with my life.
2024-2025 I've been stuck in a transitory period. Lukewarm and hesitant.
I haven't really moved forward since 2023-2024 tbh.
Unless I'm devoting my life to something, I'm just stuck.
Even this Japanese game from 2003 is telling me I need to find my own Reason.
She's right. It's not easy for everyone. It's not easy.
D's actually studying. Doing his obligatory work.
I've been skipping it past two terms. And what I have been doing with that time?
Literally nothing to speak of.
I am a bedrotting, doomscrolling, manhwa/manga reading vessel at my core.
Yeah, I can't go a minute without my phone.
I don't know how to focus and concentrate on command.
I have many experiences walking/sitting w my thoughts but I don't do that habitually.
There was a short period in quarantine where I did just constantly think, and feel like a God.
I really wasn't. Actions speak louder than words.
That's who I am. That's what quarantine and the vacation from 2023 and my vacation now is telling me.
This is who I am right now.
I understand what he meant now. I am less than a cockroach...
Knowledge on it's own is useless. Completely useless.
It means nothing to know everything unless you do something.

The thing with choosing the path my conscience leads me towards is this:
I know what the endgame is.
What's the point in being a Christian if you're not doing what Jesus did?
Competing in martial arts, training, etc. are all supplementary in the face of that Reason.
That's what I know deep down. I won't be content living an above average Christian life.
I'm really not meant to speak to others.
I believe in hierarchy. I always have. That's why I was so confident when I was younger.
I didn't see people as "people." You're all just NPCs that I can manipulate.
I still have zero empathy for the normal population.
Right now, I don't have hope for the people living in the world.
The only life I can control is mine. That's why I have the most hope for my own life.
You can know everything and it'll all be useless unless you do something.

I don't like people.
Talking to people nicely and politely is fake.
This is all a fake game we play because the alternative is worse.
The alternative is I speak my mind and avoid people who I don't care about.
The alternative is I get into fights because people feel disrespected by my behavior.
The alternative is I get no access to opportunities I could get if I had spoken politely.
The alternative is I am shunned and shamed by most ppl because I don't play their game.
What do I gain from being polite?
Superficial relationships that don't mean anything deep to either party.
I'm "in" the group. I'm accepted.
People sensing that I'm faking instead of being myself.
I mean other than that what else is there?
If I really did do the alternative, who would I be?
I would only smile with my gangs.
I would talk way louder and bolder than I normally do.
I would feel more confident in my own skin, simply be more free.
I'm not hiding anything. I do the opposite, I show everything to the world.

Trying to change these lifestyle habits is gonna take deliberate, mental effort.
The only habits I've drastically changed in my life are lying and socializing.
I still white lie on instinct sometimes.
Tbh what I've learned is that I only made my friends by proximity.
Trying to make friends and connections actually takes effort.
Like I actually have to move on my own. People don't just come to you like in the past.

I hate these self-help productivity guys.
I was obssessed with those videos late 2023-early 2024.
Had a journal, wrote down goals, made a physical checklist, etc. etc.
It was all for naught. I have zero discipline to go through w things like this.
I have zero discipline in general.
I act on habit and instinct.
I'm not alive. I'm on autopilot.
I hesitate when faced with cockroaches because I'm a coward.
There are a lot of things I don't like about myself rn tbh.
Skinny fat body, untrained, doomscroller, bedrotter, NPC regurgitator parrot, fake to most ppl, fake to my own family.
Horrendous/inefficient diet, posture, breathing, sleep schedule, sleep quality, decision making, and situational awareness.
I play the same things again and again on guitar.
My words and vocabulary aren't unique anymore. I tried to fit in so much that now I'm effectively a normal person speech-wise.
I just don't like myself. This isn't who I want to be.

I've honestly just been coping for these two years.
Faced with the reality of Christianity I feel afraid and I'm hesitant to move forward.
Literally what is the point of your life unless you're devoting it to some Reason.
Seriously. There is zero point in your life.
Most ppl treat their religion as just something to do on the side.
If most ppl actually devoted their lives to their religion, the world and its habitants would look a whole lot different.
But most people are hypocrites. Maybe everyone is a hypocrite.
My idea of religion is extreme. You completely immerse yourself into it and come out someone just like it.
And just like it means just like it. No exceptions. You must obey completely, otherwise it's meaningless.
This is the sad part about humanity. People aren't like characters who live exactly by their belief system.
People make exceptions, people fail, etc. People aren't perfect.
People aren't perfect means the belief system is perfect and that the problem is with the believers.
If only life was that easy for ppl. You have to discipline yourself to do that.
Church goers who just go for the sake of going. No visible difference between them and the secular.
My country is filled with these people. Most religious people aren't as devoted to the extreme I idealize.
An ideal Christian is someone who does exactly what Jesus did.
A Christian does what God wills for them to do.
Everything you do is guided by God's will. Everything is for the sake of doing God's will.
Did Jesus rest in leisure? I'm not sure tbh.
Humans require leisure. Law of diminishing returns.
But how far can you push it? My idea is to push yourself until you literally drop.
Unrealistic tbh. That would imply going beyond humanity. But that's exactly why it's an idea.
Maybe my premise is wrong from the start. Maybe God does allow leisure.
Maybe my purpose is to compete. I have no idea.
Manny Pacquiao's Reason was definitely competition. Did he really go that far for his family?
At the level he was doing it (world champion), you have to like what you're doing to devote yourself to it.
I want to find my Reason too.

Yeah cybersec is honestly just a side interest.
I've never really gotten that same interest/desire to try as with things like athletic competition, music, and training.
Cybersec isn't naturally appealing. Gotta stockholm syndrome myself into liking it.
It's just a tool in my eyes. A tool to get a job to get money.
I'd like to like it. But I don't have the desire.
It's all because I treat it abstractly.
If I reworded it as hacking, or accessing people's internet history, cracking wifi's, etc. I would actually be interested.
But since I treat it as "cybersec", it means nothing. It's just a vague word that I don't associate with any particularly cool image.
OSINT, etc. those specific terms are what I'm interested in. Not "cybersec."
Was all it took reframing? Was that all it lmao
It's interesting and cool no?
I have never been interested in programming before college though.
I just treated it as something I had to get over with.
Here I thought it was just gonna be a year of coding. Nah, you actually use this throughout your whole career.
I don't consider html programming. It's just structuring text.
Programming is creating stuff (w/ code) that you can use. That's my definition.
I consider coding to be things like writing loops, functions, etc.
Actually thinking about a process and creating it.
HTML is just typing and structuring. CSS is just colors.
2:02AM I like writing down my thoughts. I'm finally releasing it somewhere rather than keeping it all inside me.
Now that I started playing Nocturne my life naturally has a plan.
Work, gym, stretch, study, learn guitar -> Game
I'm sleepy. It'd be stupid to play right now when my body is telling me to rest.
I want to be faster. Faster in every action I make. I feel slow as of now. I can go way faster.

11:06PM
Gym. Tbh I don't want to teach. It's just a favor in my eyes.
I've been brainwashed and conditioned into avoiding kids. Don't wanna get no accusations.
I really wanna play Nocturne. But there's no more time in the day.
If only I didn't live in such a hot country I could play in the mornings and early afternoons.
Man screw it, why not?
Tomorrow morning I'm going somewhere my heart isn't in. Idk man. I just wanna be attracted again.
Like what P. J. said. I should relisten to that before going to sleep.
Wanna poop, but it's not a massive urge. Maybe walking around will make me wanna poop
Just saw a rat. What's good bro.
I live with rats. My family says my room smells like rats.

After going to the gym, all I wanted to do was stay in bed and read manhwa.
Idk if that can be optimized. Right now, I should get ready to sleep.
I still have this small urge to poop. I can feel it.
Imma stretch following that white guy's 10 min video, then drink milk, set 30 min timer, read manhwa, gurgle, brush, then listen to something before sleeping.
Let's go
11:18PM It's so cool that I can update this html file and see the effects on an actual website instantly. Real instant feedback.
Eventually I'll make separate html files for August-September, etc.